*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
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Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.