@ClickHole

RT if you could go either way.

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@robfee

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

@Marcmywords2

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

@MomOnFire

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

@Thrill_Tweeter

Twitter – to help future generations discover if there’s ever been any mental illness in the family.

@blade_funner

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

@krisv_723

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

@karanbirtinna

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

@SJKSalisbury

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

@WVUPRT

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

@mandysparklerxo

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.