RT if you could go either way.
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I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Seems kinda suspicious
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
For anyone who needs this today
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans