Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
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Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie