[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
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Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Happy Star Wars day!
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Me in tagged photos
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Cause of death: Zumba
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?