it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
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Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“