rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

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I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.


Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.


Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous


“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids


When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…


I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.


me: one shitty donut with gross frosting please

bagel employee: you don’t have to come here, you know