@gosailthesea

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

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@KentWGraham

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

@mrjohntofu

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

@heatherlou_

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

@Pork_Chop_Hair

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…

@notsoevilrick

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

@captainkalvis

me: one shitty donut with gross frosting please

bagel employee: you don’t have to come here, you know