*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!
Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
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accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
My wife’s signature move is asking me a question then turning on the faucet when I answer.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Needing to “loose” some weight this year isn’t your biggest problem, my friend.
PSA: Don’t EVER let your printer know that you’ve waited until the last minute to print something out and you’re in hurry because they can sense fear.