#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
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Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers