#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
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What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?