#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
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me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I have never heard an armadillo before.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.