#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
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Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.