#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
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I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Smile they said.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants