#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
You Might Also Like
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
This line from Airplane.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Hell yeah 👍
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”