#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
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Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
My work here is done
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
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[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.