#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
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Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Same pineapple, same
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
*lint rolls you awake*
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.