JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?
The slowest swimmer.
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You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
With so many unhappy married couples and a 50% divorce rate, I think it’s pretty obvious that Americans don’t breed well in captivity.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.