#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
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*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.