#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
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Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
this has done me in for some reason
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*