My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
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My mom is having a hysterectomy. This is like the time I moved away to college and she tore down my childhood bedroom.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My son has the ability to predict what will happen in the future and later explain why it didn’t happen. I think I’m raising a politician.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.