[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
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Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.