*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
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What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try