Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

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What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates :
1. Nice shirt
2. Wow, a second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.


4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet


You think your life is uncomfortable?

My gynecologist lives four doors down from me.


I don’t discriminate among size guys.

Personally my favorite is 3 inches and goes by the name visa, mc, or amex.


me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda


Please stop sacrificing animals to me, Hell is starting to look like a zoo.


science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok


Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.


“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”