@ChickenFrecklez

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

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@Home_Halfway

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

@_SingleBabyMama

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

@taylortomlinson

I like horror movies because it’s the only place insanely hot people are treated poorly

@Wakenbake77

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

@RidiculousSheri

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

@TheAlexNevil

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

@thenatewolf

I saw a woman with the same haircut as me the other day and I wanted to be like “Same haircut!” but I didn’t because no matter what kind of day she’s having she doesn’t need that right now.

@pieceofchat

Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

@comfynumb2012

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.