#rudolph > .nose {
background: red;
border-radius: 50%;
@include shiny;

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this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same


hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence


HR said it’s not necessary but I like my sickness to be taken seriously by having my mom send in an email validating my degree of sickness


I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.


When 2 Chainz doesn’t want to be recognized he just takes off one chain.


My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.


If you need anything done now do it yourself, if you want it done right call a pro and if you don’t care if it ever gets done, ask your kid.


Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*


Me: I don’t think Grinding Dory is appropriate for the kids.

Wife: I said FINDING DORY & we need to discuss your internet usage.