#rudolph > .nose {
background: red;
border-radius: 50%;
@include shiny;

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@funTweeters you guys are my favorite thing about Twitter. I suggest we get pant less and hug this out like men.


Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.


If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.


I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.


If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.


First year married: I want to spend every moment with you

All other years: maybe you could move into your own house


[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go


*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.