#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
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wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
whatcha thinkin bout
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.