Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
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We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2