Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
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My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I will never stop laughing at this
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world