What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
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You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
got so much cardio in today
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?