@ObscureGent: Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
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@KentWGraham: My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
@simoncholland: Store clerk: May I help you? Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
@NewDadNotes: Me: [every single day for 18 months] da da...say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa...daaaa da Daughter: Me: shit Daughter: shit