Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
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Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Not all heroes wear capes….
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Peace was never an option
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
is this a threat
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told