Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
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Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Grandmother clock.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
How is it still this week?
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared