#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
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In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Well, this is awkward
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Love thy neighbor’s dog
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’