Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Rule: Grown men should not use “lol” in a convo with another male.
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me as a therapist: I see what you’re saying. *starts writing something down for you* here, there’s an episode of Naruto that I think would be relevant and extremely healing for you,
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
me: William Wonka
DOCTOR: Ted, you’re dying.
PATIENT: My name isn’t Ted.
DOCTOR (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver