what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
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My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head