Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
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Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.