Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
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Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
good let them take over I have had enough
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.