Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
You Might Also Like
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
It’s a gift
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Oh boy, $150,000!
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
how to exercise your calf muscles
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?