@TheHyyyype

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

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@batkaren

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

@hermanntrude

It’s called quiche because “egg pie” sounds like something you’d look up on urban dictionary.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: How could you do this?

Her: I just felt like you needed to know

Me: I’ve completely lost trust

Her: I know this is hard

Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

@usedwigs

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

@Jen_Mahabir

If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet with intelligent life – lets just make patterns in their crop and leave.

@jergarl

Romantic comedies are just horror movies where people only die on the inside.

Also, my wife doesn’t let me pick movies for date night.

@electrolemon

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

@Brampersandon_

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread