rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

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Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?


It’s called quiche because “egg pie” sounds like something you’d look up on urban dictionary.


Me: How could you do this?

Her: I just felt like you needed to know

Me: I’ve completely lost trust

Her: I know this is hard

Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.


The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.


The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.


If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet with intelligent life – lets just make patterns in their crop and leave.


Romantic comedies are just horror movies where people only die on the inside.

Also, my wife doesn’t let me pick movies for date night.


damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]


PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread