rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
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When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.