Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
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*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin