@Heather2go

Rules to live by:

1. Be kind to strangers
2. Don’t cheat on your taxes
3. Everything in moderation
4. Bury the body at sea

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@batkaren

One great thing about a cartoon avi is that I could be anything. I could be a 90-yo man. I could be a baby. HOW DO YOU KNOW I’M NOT A BABY!

@KKAlThani

Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption “Summer is finally here!” or we wouldn’t have known it’s summer.

@romiza_

*Witnesses an awkward moment* starts a slow clap* sees that nobody is joining me* pretends like I’m trying to kill mosquitoes*

@bacon_gillepic

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

@bornmiserable

[if I worked at a mortuary] what would it take to get you into one of our caskets today

@AllanCresswell

Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you’re going to transfer me to someone who doesn’t speak english?

@eedrk

ME: ppl call dogs “doggo” now. i guess its a meme, i dont get it
THERAPIST: this is $200/hr. do you want to talk about anything else?
ME: no

@callmeEvian

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

@Iwriteforcats

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

@ohpeetie

Boyfriend planted watermelon seedlings in our garden. I just bought a watermelon to put beside his plant before he wakes up tomorrow.