Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
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“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Strange
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.