Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

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*lying in bed
This is life. I don’t think I’ll ever get out of bed again.

*five minutes later
I gotta pee.


Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.


I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.


I don’t know why I have to jog with you, you’re the fat one.



Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all


Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something


Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”

He didn’t even die.

Killing people with kindness is hard.


Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?