*lying in bed
This is life. I don’t think I’ll ever get out of bed again.
*five minutes later
I gotta pee.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
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I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I don’t know why I have to jog with you, you’re the fat one.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
Angel: you killed them all
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?