Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
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This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.