@BatBatshitcrazy

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

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@EmmyStar79

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

@fro_vo

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

@neiltyson

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

@Brianhopecomedy

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

@lilgapeach30

Siri just said I’m looking for love in all the wrong places so I’m tryin to figure out what happened to Siri and how my mom got in my phone.

@AristotlesNZ

Undressing with the curtains open is my little way of giving back to the old ladies in our neighborhood watch.

@causticbob

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

@SocialustGal13

My doctor told me to start killing people. Not in those exact words but he said I needed to reduce my stress. Same thing.

@economybacon

Man, my car is so fast, it could outrun a man combined with a horse

“You mean Centaur, right?”

Ohhh somebody went to college ooohh