[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
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No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Ironic
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
there’s probably a fee though
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.