[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”


“Aren’t you going to guess?”

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FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords


DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”


[aquaman origin story]

*falls out of boat*
help! im drowni- oh… no, im good, actually


Therapist: Talk about your friends.

Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…

T: That’s a Billy Joel song.

Me: You’re no fun.


Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee and watched at least 45 minutes of archived Ted Bundy trial footage.


I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.


“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints


Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.


I like dogs, but it’s like having a permanent baby.

A cat is like having a permanent teenager.