rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
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I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old