Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
You Might Also Like
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Danger is very dangerous
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?