[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
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Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect