[running amok in flames]


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It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”


Boss: Are you done with those reports yet?

Me: Can you stop hovering over me?

Boss: Sorry [turns off jetpack]

Me: Much better.


My friend has got an excellent nose for wine.

It’s shaped like a corkscrew.


[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!


Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.


Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword


Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.


I just want to look as good as Madonna does now when I’ve also been dead for 27yrs.


Wife: I lost my day planner.

Me: Not in your briefcase?

W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE.

M: Well it looks like you’ve got a hidden agenda