[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
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It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Spa day..😅
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤