@awkwardphilippe

[running amok in flames]

WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?

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@mortimermaiden

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

@prufrockluvsong

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

@TimfromDa70s

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

@angeliav68

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

@DomesticGoddss

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

@Darlainky

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

@hippieswordfish

b-52’s songs:
-‘love shack’
-‘hate shed’
-‘sad tent’
-‘happy igloo’
-‘frustrated RV’
-‘depression garage’
-‘melancholy lake house’

@AndrewNadeau0

ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.

@English_Channel

friend: How did you get 2 black eyes?

me: I told a girl that if she smiled she would look cuter. Then she punched me in the right eye

friend: what about your left?

me: then I told her to chill