@awkwardphilippe

[running amok in flames]

WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?

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@TheBoydP

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

@thatUPSdude

Boss: Are you done with those reports yet?

Me: Can you stop hovering over me?

Boss: Sorry [turns off jetpack]

Me: Much better.

@sickipediabot

My friend has got an excellent nose for wine.

It’s shaped like a corkscrew.

@BraandoCommando

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

@Mindless4Miles

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

@RexHuppke

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

@XAIMMadellynne

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

@Just_Oh_Susanna

I just want to look as good as Madonna does now when I’ve also been dead for 27yrs.

@cbdoubleu

Wife: I lost my day planner.

Me: Not in your briefcase?

W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE.

M: Well it looks like you’ve got a hidden agenda

W: