[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
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Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
-‘melancholy lake house’
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
friend: How did you get 2 black eyes?
me: I told a girl that if she smiled she would look cuter. Then she punched me in the right eye
friend: what about your left?
me: then I told her to chill