*goes to Australia
*sees hot girl
*asks if she wants to be my first mate
*gets punched down under
Running away doesnt help you with your problems, unless you’re fat. Then yeah, run.
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Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
My kids: WE CAN’T FIND ANYTHING AND WE’VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO DO EVERYTHING.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions for me?
Me: When someone says you’re “cool as shit,” why is that a compliment?
An actual conversation between me and a girl I was “dating” in 6th grade
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”