Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
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Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
When you kidnap a writer.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.