@ItsJennaMarbles

Running away doesnt help you with your problems, unless you’re fat. Then yeah, run.

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@Los01001111

*goes to Australia
*sees hot girl
*asks if she wants to be my first mate
*winks forever
*gets punched down under

@BoogTweets

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

@HomeProbably

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

@SaltyCorpse

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

My kids: WE CAN’T FIND ANYTHING AND WE’VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO DO EVERYTHING.

@wienerherzog

The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.

@Togsbabble

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

@Vodkantots

Interviewer: Do you have any questions for me?
Me: When someone says you’re “cool as shit,” why is that a compliment?

@tomhanksrva

An actual conversation between me and a girl I was “dating” in 6th grade

@3dog101

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please