“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
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*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Hard not to take this personally
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.