Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
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Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Happy Halloween 🎃
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
When you’re Kinky but poor
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.