[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
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I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
this makes me so uncomfortable
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
he chose this
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No email needs to tell me not to reply.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
“Huge”.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Ironic
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours