[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

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“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.


I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.


BOSS: You forgot my birthday didn’t you?
ME: *lighting candle* No what gave u that idea?
BOSS: idk maybe that candle stuck in a urinal cake?


Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free


*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona


my new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone’s having a party


Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.


Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller