@Reverend_Scott

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

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@hughlaurie

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

@LoveNLunchmeat

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

@shwebby2

Bars are Weird

Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product

@Paul_Eaton1

Everyone knows someone in real life that actually resembles a garden gnome.

@starwarsshirt

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

@TomatoTomoto1

[Silver Singles Meetup]

Him: oh baby you’re so hot, tell me about yourself

Me: first of all, you remind me of the first date I ever had

Him: 😍*intrigued* go on…

Me: it was all dried up, wrinkly and left a bad aftertaste

@mommajessiec

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”