@Reverend_Scott

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

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@thokone

When a fish is swimming alone, does it mean it’s bunking school?

@MacAnnabella

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

@ChrisHallbeck

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

@AmishPornStar1

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

@DeanB15

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

@copymama

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

@Darlainky

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

@robfee

My shower has two settings:
-Freezing Cold
-The Ending of Terminator 2

@Kbrizz1

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

@AbbieEvansXO

Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap