Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
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50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Bars are Weird
Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
Everyone knows someone in real life that actually resembles a garden gnome.
THIS IS SO TERRIFYING
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
[Silver Singles Meetup]
Him: oh baby you’re so hot, tell me about yourself
Me: first of all, you remind me of the first date I ever had
Him: 😍*intrigued* go on…
Me: it was all dried up, wrinkly and left a bad aftertaste
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”