[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
You Might Also Like
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
can I use a minion as a tampon
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast