When a fish is swimming alone, does it mean it’s bunking school?
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
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Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
My shower has two settings:
-The Ending of Terminator 2
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap