Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
You Might Also Like
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.