I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
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My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Your wife will always agree to let you go out and get drunk with your friends and as long as you’re smart and don’t go.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
My husband waited until this morning to tell me our hotel room tonight is adjoining his parents.
He knew all week.
I can’t wait to see the look on their faces Sunday morning- cause I’m still gonna be loud.