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@joshgondelman

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

@TheCatWhisprer

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

@Extramediumcom1

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

@Fred_Delicious

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

@squirrel74wkgn

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

@murrman5

[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone

@jwoodham

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

@NotJPo

Your wife will always agree to let you go out and get drunk with your friends and as long as you’re smart and don’t go.

@skedaddle74

Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.

She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…

@KatyBSweet1

My husband waited until this morning to tell me our hotel room tonight is adjoining his parents.

He knew all week.

I can’t wait to see the look on their faces Sunday morning- cause I’m still gonna be loud.