murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
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me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
ME: Do we have Bacon Bits?
WIFE: Fridge. Why?
ME: *filling pockets* No reason
PERSON: Sorry. He’s normally behaved
ME: No prob
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Million dollar idea: Nutella, but super healthy.
Me: [spooning her] Baby, you up?
Her: [playfully] Maaaaybe.
Me: Cool. I heard a noise downstairs, can you go check it out?
Make sure to change out the condom in your wallet once in a while…so your wallet doesn’t think you’re a loser.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
[on a romantic dinner date]
girlfriend: *takes some of my fries*
me: *quietly puts engagement ring back into my pocket*
I wonder if flies ever think, “I bet I could get this guy to slap himself in the face.”
Because they’d be right.