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@TweetsByKaylee

murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)

@ankles_so_weak

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

@Mr_Kapowski

ME: Do we have Bacon Bits?
WIFE: Fridge. Why?
ME: *filling pockets* No reason

*dog park*
PERSON: Sorry. He’s normally behaved
ME: No prob

@NewDadNotes

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

@kumailn

Million dollar idea: Nutella, but super healthy.

@ComedicBust

[3:00am]

Me: [spooning her] Baby, you up?

Her: [playfully] Maaaaybe.

Me: Cool. I heard a noise downstairs, can you go check it out?

@chrisanna4real

Make sure to change out the condom in your wallet once in a while…so your wallet doesn’t think you’re a loser.

@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today

@ohen39

[on a romantic dinner date]
girlfriend: *takes some of my fries*
me: *quietly puts engagement ring back into my pocket*

@UrbanDouchebag

I wonder if flies ever think, “I bet I could get this guy to slap himself in the face.”

Because they’d be right.