Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
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The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
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I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
#NoRestForTheWicked
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.