A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
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“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.